I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
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Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
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There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.