I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
