What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
