I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
