My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
