i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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