Im at strip club and am horny
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
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it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
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He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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