this beer tastes like vomit already
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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