I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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