are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
