I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
