how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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