I just pynch a tree in the face
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
