Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
