im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
