So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
