Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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