carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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