I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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