when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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