dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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