Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
