Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
