I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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