brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
