please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
