I'm going to jail i love you
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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