If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
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pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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