hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
