mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Less talking, more tequila
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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