Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
