come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
