I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
