I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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