That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
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Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
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Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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