Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
