"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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