totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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