She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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