She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Randomize
