Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
