yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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