If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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