whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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