Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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