Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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