What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You're a waste of cheezeits
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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