Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
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Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
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Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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