we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
