i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
