Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
