I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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