I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you traded sex for a burrito?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
