4 words: hood of his car
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
