Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
