Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
