I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
