mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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