My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize