i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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